Done with surgery

Sep. 9th Dr. boggan performed the decompression surgery. I woke up sick and in pain. I spent 4 days in the hospital and was so glad to be home....I have to start first my somehow expressing my gratitude and great fulness for my husband. He was with me the entire process. He has the broadest, strongest and most wonderful shoulders. He protected me for "well meaning" advice givers that would rake me across the coals. He was there to hold my hand when I couldn't sleep because the pain was too much. He has been the most amazing father to the kids, picking up what I wasn't able to do. He supported me and loved me perfectly. When I first woke from the surgery I was throwing up...he sat there holding the bucket for me and gently wiping my face. I will never forget the look in his eyes...love. He was not discussed or repulsed or put out. It was like there was no where else he would rather be than right there with me, to make sure that I was ok. I once told Justus that I knew that God loved me because he gave him to me. He has been there to bring me food or ice packs or just sit and hold my hand. To me it is a picture of God's love....he knows me completely and yet he loves me completely. To me it is God's gift to me to know in my heart that if my husband loves me this way, how much greater is His love for me, and God must love me to have given him to me.

When I am better I want to be better. I just want to exude love, but especially to my husband and kids. I want to build them up and help give them wings. I want them to feel blessed that I am their mother and my husband's wife. I want to be beautiful and take care of myself in a healthy/balanced way so that I can look and be what God created and a wife Justus is proud to have on his arm. I want to keep a clean and cozy, inviting home that my family and friends love to be. I don't want to go back to just barely treading water and having a short fuze. Help me Lord to be that.

I also have to thank my Lord and King, my God whose perfect timing and support and love has healed so many broken places. I am in awe of Him every day. On the way to the hospital for surgery my daily verse came through and it was psalm 91:4-7. I don't think there could have been a more perfect verse for me that day. I cried when I read it and his peace just passed over me. It was interesting during the weeks leading up to the surgery. I had some people continuing to push me asking what God was telling me about the surgery, mostly meaning should I or should I not get the surgery, even suggesting that my faith wasn't strong enough. I even became frustrated with feeling like I wasn't hearing from Him. But then I did on two different occasions. His voice was small and still and simply said that he was with me, and the second was that he was not disappointed or mad at me....oh the sweet relief he gave me and such a burden he lifted from my heart. My Father who are in heaven hallowed be thy name! My Father who is my intimate friend, father , protector, and savior. praise be thy name

Friends

I am thankful for my wonderful friends and family.  I also realize why God says that we are the body of Christ.  Each person brings something different to the world.  Each thing is needed.  My parents have taken the kids more times than I can count.  We had a little party for Chase and they showed up first thing in the morning to clean the house and then went shopping for the food, etc.  My g-ma came to visit and cleaned the house and played with the kids...So many things are affected by my lack of living.  Most things don't really matter, like how clean the house is, but it sure makes me feel better.  My friend Kristen has come to help with house work, has taken the kids for the day and has called.  She hears me...she said that this thing has changed me and that she misses me and who I am.  It is amazing how much that means to me.  That someone notices what this has done. 

Bethany, Connie, and Karen has all brought dinner.  So many others have sent  e mails, etc.  It all helps more than most realize

Surgery

I went to see Dr. Boogan on Thursday.  He recommends decompression surgery.  I know that most people I know think that I should get the surgery....I think they are right, but I am scared.  I have had surgery before, but this feels different.  Much more serious and dangerous.  I think I will get the surgery the only question is if I should have Dr. Boggan do it or someone else...  Praying that God will provide the answers.

Pain

I am in physical pain, everyday.  It is no longer a question of do I hurt, but how badly.  How much pain is acceptable?  How can I do this much more? What if this is my life and it never changes.  I don't feel strong enough to do it.  What kind of life will my family have? I don't really understand this.  I know that God is good.  I know that He cares for me in a personal way.  But I don't understand how this fits... What should I be learning?  Will I get through this?  I feel like I am drowning

kids & Justus

So I am concerned for the kids...Every now and then they ask a question about whether or not I will get the surgery or not.  I can tell that it is affecting them and that they each have their own way of dealing with it.  Brooks(10) is very even keel and happy go lucky.  He will randomly ask questions...Can you die from this mom, What happens if you do the surgery, etc.  Chasen (6)  He is more of and introvert.  He doesn't say much, but he hears everything and he has been acting out some.  Finley (4) has been acting out the most.  When other people are with her or watching her they say that she has been great, but she has been mean to me.  I know that doesn't sound right that a four year old child could be mean to her parent, but I don't know how else to describe it.  She got into my make-up and smeared it all over my bathroom, she kicked me in the stomach and then when I told her to stop she had a look on her face and tried to do it several more times.... Not sure what to do.  I don't feel good enough to do much even if I knew what to do.

My husband Justus has got to be the best husband and Father to ever live.  He is an extremely hard worker, he is supportive and protective, he loves me and our kids.  He is available and present.  I look at him and I don't understand why??  Why God does he have so much pressure on his shoulders?  Why does he have a wife that is going through this and unable to relieve some of the burden, instead I add to his burden.  There hasn't been many breaks for him.  Not many notice what he is and who he is.  Why God do I see so many questionable husbands and fathers getting breaks and pats and being lifted up???  Here is my husband who just continues to be in the trenches and overlooked...

I am soo tired. 

So Far....

Almost two years ago I began experiencing a wide range of symptoms....I had weird headaches, vision problems, dizziness, nausea, blacking out, etc.  When my husband finally convinced me to go to the Doctor.  My primary physician found nothing so I was sent to the Ophthalmologist.  There it was discovered that I had severe swelling of my optic nerves and sent to the hospital to run scans for a suspected brain tumor...no tumor was found.  Off to the neurologist where it was discovered that I have a chiari malformation and I received a diagnoses of pseudo-tumor cerebri.  I was told that the malformation I was born with so it had nothing to do with my current issues.  The pseudo-tumor diagnoses is vague at best.  It is basically fake brain tumor, there is swelling in your brain for unknown reasons, so I was put on Diamox in hopes of reducing the swelling of my optic nerves.  Fast forward to today.  My symptoms have continued to get worse and have become a daily problem.  This past fall we switched insurance and I saw a new Neurologist who said that it was the Chiari Malformation that was causing my problems.  The problem for me is that I have had it my whole life so how could this be the problem??  It was also discovered that I have a pineal cysts, which I was told not to worry about.  I was then put on a variety of medications to no avail and to added side effects.  So I decided to tell my Dr. in Jan. that I was fine.  I was tired of different diagnosis and medications and seeing now improvement.  In April I began a fast decline....the headaches have become almost unbearable.  So I started researching and went back to my Dr.  Turns out that the Chiari is a birth defect that doesn't present symptoms until your twenties or thirties and everything I have is classic to this diagnosis.  Finally an explanation of what is going on!!!  The only way to treat is surgery and possibly removing part of vertebrae. Also the surgery is not guaranteed to take away and relieve my symptoms.  This could be a life long problem that continues to get worse.   How can I do this for ever?  Should I do the risky surgery?  By the way I was told that I never had pseudo-tumor because I have physical reasons for the swelling.

I am not sure how I feel...I am on Norco for the pain and I am scheduled to see the neuro-surgeon next week.  I have so many questions and not a lot of answers.  I am looking to God, He seems so far away right now and I can't help but feel I am disappointing Him.  That I should be better, that I should be handling this better.  I hear of other people facing tremendous difficulty and people say how strong they are, etc. But I am scared.  I am scared for my kids and my husband.  I don't want to be a burden to anyone.. The 23rd Psalm has always been my favorite. .  I guess that is why I titled this blog "Through the Valley".   I feel right now that I am in the "valley of the shadow of death"

Have you seen the movie "You've got mail"?  Do you remember the part when she is typing and she says that she just wants to send it out into the void....I guess that is what I am doing.  Only I am not sending out to the void, but to God.